“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? – Marianne Williamson
The Desert Mirage and the Dream You Don’t Chase
Imagine standing at the edge of a vast desert. On the horizon, a glimmer — your dream life — glistens like a mirage. You want to go there. You say you’ll go there. You talk about going there. But instead, you sit down at the edge, tell yourself the sand is too hot, the map is too blurry, or maybe, just maybe, you’re not meant to cross it after all.
This is the paradox of modern ambition. So many people crave freedom, abundance, success, and alignment — yet day after day, they unconsciously self-sabotage the very path that would lead them there.
In The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, the shepherd boy Santiago embarks on a journey to pursue his “Personal Legend,” but along the way, he’s constantly tempted to turn back, to stay safe, to accept a smaller life. The message? The treasure you seek often demands that you cross your greatest fears.
Yet most never leave the metaphorical edge of the desert. They say they want the dream, but they avoid the discomfort it demands.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage isn’t laziness. It isn’t a lack of desire or ambition. It’s the nervous system doing its job, which is keeping you “safe” in the only way it knows how. It’s a psychological defense mechanism rooted in fear, not fear of failure, but fear of change. Fear of success. Fear of becoming who you say you want to be.
But here’s the paradox: The life you say you want requires you to become someone your current identity might not recognize.
This is where most people get stuck. Not in failure, but in the “almost” —
- Almost learning the skill.
- Almost launching the business.
- Almost writing the book.
- Almost becoming visible.
They say they want freedom, alignment, wealth — but their subconscious mind wants familiarity, safety, and predictability.
Psychologist Gay Hendricks, in The Big Leap, calls this the “upper limit problem.” Each of us has a subconscious comfort zone. When we start rising above it — get a promotion, close a client, fall in love, feel seen. — we subconsciously bring ourselves back down.
Suddenly, you feel exposed. Lit up. Expanded. So—
- You miss deadlines.
- You pick a fight.
- You binge scroll instead of finishing your project.
- You say yes to something that drains you instead of what fulfills you.
This is the Upper Limit Problem — the subconscious belief that “this much good” isn’t safe or sustainable. So you self-regulate by sabotaging the very things bringing you joy, growth, or prosperity.
“Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy.” — Gay Hendricks
Fear of Success vs. Fear of Failure
We often assume people stay stuck because they’re afraid to fail. But what we’re more often afraid of is succeeding — and then not knowing who we’ll become.
Success challenges everything:
- Your identity.
- Your relationships.
- Your self-worth.
- Your ability to stay small, unseen, agreeable, or safe.
“Your new life will cost you your old one.” — Brianna Wiest
Why Do So Many Women Sabotage Their Own Dreams?
For women, self-sabotage is often tangled with centuries of social conditioning. From a young age, girls are often taught to:
- Be nice, not bold.
- Don’t want “too much.”
- Don’t brag.
So when a woman dares to step into her power — start a business, claim her voice, build wealth, and become visible — her nervous system panics. Not because she’s incapable, but because she’s breaking inherited, centuries-old patterns.
Sara Blakely built Spanx into a billion-dollar company with zero business background. She openly speaks about the impostor syndrome she carried throughout the journey. “I didn’t know what I was doing, but I cared enough to keep going.” – Sara Blakely
Her secret wasn’t strategy. It was resilience, belief, and the ability to expand her identity faster than her circumstances.
Most self-sabotage doesn’t look dramatic — it looks logical, productive, or even “smart.” That’s why it’s so sneaky.
Common Self-Sabotage Patterns:
| Behavior | What It Really Is |
|---|---|
| “Perfecting” your offer endlessly | Fear of visibility |
| Avoiding pricing conversations | Fear of rejection or not being “worth it” |
| Starting new projects and finishing none | Avoidance of real risk or long-term exposure |
| Overcommitting to others | Avoiding your own dreams |
| Procrastinating tasks that move the needle | Fear of stepping into your full power |
| Dimming your voice online | Fear of being misunderstood or judged |
Self-Sabotage and the Dream Life You’re Avoiding
Creating a dream life — one of purpose, wealth, freedom, and peace — will require you to shed versions of yourself that were built to survive, not to thrive.
In business: You’ll need to delegate, launch, speak up, ask for money, and stay visible.
In lifestyle: You’ll have to say no to busy work, distractions, and toxic habits.
In legacy: You’ll have to stop dimming to fit into rooms you’ve outgrown.
This applies not just to entrepreneurs but to anyone who desires a more intentional life aligned with their values and dreams. The dream is real, but the current version of you might not be fully ready for it. And that’s okay — the next version is waiting to be built.
Self-sabotage isn’t about lack of ambition — it’s often a sign you’re close to breaking through. The discomfort is evidence that you’re brushing up against a new edge of identity.
If you want to live your dream, build the business, create the legacy — you’ll have to stop negotiating with your old self.
And just like Santiago in The Alchemist, you’ll have to leave what’s familiar, walk into the unknown, and trust that what you seek is seeking you.
Strategies to Break Free from Self-Sabotage
1. Notice the Pattern
Awareness is the first shift. Journal daily. Ask:
- What part of me is afraid of getting what I want?
- What am I gaining by staying stuck?
- How am I protecting myself from the life I say I want?
- What would I do if there were no limitations.
2. Take Micro-Brave Actions
Pick the task you’re most avoiding — and make it non-negotiable. You don’t need to leap the whole canyon. Just the next rock.
➡ Record that video.
➡ Send the pitch.
➡ Post the imperfect reel.
➡ Raise your prices by 10%.
“You don’t rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” – James Clear
3. Anchor in Identity, Not Outcome
Instead of saying, “I want to be successful,” say: “I am the kind of person who shows up daily, no matter what.”
Behavior follows identity.
The life you say you want is already waiting. But it will not beg. You must meet it halfway.
Today, choose one thing you’ve been avoiding. One brave move. One action that says, “I’m ready to stop sabotaging. I’m ready to live aligned.” Because you weren’t meant to live at the edge of your dream — you were meant to cross the desert and find it.
You Were Never Meant to Stay Small – Final Thoughts
The dream life you crave — the business, the peace, the impact, the freedom — it isn’t some far-off fantasy. It’s a reflection of your potential already trying to break through.
But the truth is, you can’t think your way into that life. You have to choose it. Over and over again. Even when it’s uncomfortable.
You have to stop waiting for permission.
You have to stop mistaking fear for fate.
You have to stop negotiating with the parts of you that only know how to survive — and begin becoming the version of you that’s ready to thrive.
Yes, there will be resistance. That’s normal. It’s the price of evolution. But every time you show up anyway — imperfect, visible, bold — you shift something. Inside you, around you, and eventually, for you.
You were born to lead. To love. To build. To shine.
The question is: Will you let it pass you by, or will you finally walk toward it?
Leave a Reply